another moral hangover. fuck.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
