she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I got inside last night via doggy door
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
