how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
