The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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