Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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