all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
