The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I didn't shave. On purpose
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
