The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
