dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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