if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
