I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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