I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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