a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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