I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
