We won't sleep together?
Sober January is a disaster.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
