oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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