life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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