I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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