she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
