Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
