After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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