nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
it's like heaven, but drunker
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
