My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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