soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
