I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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