so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
