i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
