Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
