just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
it glows. i had to have it.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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