I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
