I faked an abortion last night.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
