Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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