I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
