I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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