Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
