my mouth tastes like poor choices
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
