it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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