I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
