Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
