Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
