Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
