i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
