When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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