I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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