Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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