think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
