I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
