Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
