Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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