why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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