Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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