Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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